45 Shades of Grey
(with deference to Myles na Gopaleen)
Leaving my office I exited onto Kildare St and pausing
briefly removed my identity badge: Rustam ffrench-Bodkin, Special Advisor to
the Minister on Red Herring Quotas. Now I know this was a typo but found it
funny and kept it; sure everybody knows our family doesn’t use a hyphen. I wore
a new suit: 45 shades of grey, Louis said when asked about it and I tightened
my sphincters as I passed the Irish Revolving Bank (sic!) and through the
revolving door of the Shelbourne. In the far corner of the lounge was Walter
Toner. Toner is a mishap of a human being; a cumulus of spite who tweets and blogs
political silage. He did not look up as I approached and continued to pound his
iPad.
‘Is mise Éire’, I said.
“In your dreams Captain Ahab,’ he grunted. ‘How are things
aboard the Golden Apple?’
‘Reefed,’ I said with advisory nous. ‘What have you for me
Toner?’
‘Did you hear about Big Phil and Roy in Rio?’
‘Roy who?’ I asked.
‘Who do you think? Roy “I’ll take the beat out of
you’ll-never-beat-the-Irish” Boy,’ he replied in a Cork accent not heard since
the Titanic left.
‘What about them?’
‘It seems Big Phil was not that interested in climatology but
was more intent on securing training facilities for the next Olympics.’
‘Did they?’
‘Apparently a full-sized pitch! Half-way up one of the
mountains in a slum. Made from a recent mudslide, which buried 60 people
alive.’
‘What did Roy say?’
‘What else: “Much better than Saipan anyway. We’ll call it Los
Ramblers.” ‘
‘Interesting,’ I said. ‘How’s it going with you otherwise
Toner?’
Surprised by my enquiry he looked up. ‘Had a date with my
first wife last week. I told her I only want NAMA sex.’
‘NAMA sex?’
“No alimony or matrimony attached sex.’
‘What did she say?’ I asked.
‘Straight out, “First time round the sex was dire. Why should
I bother?” ’
Good on you Mags, I thought, covetously. ‘What did you say to
that?’ I asked.
‘I looked her in the eye and with a long pause for effect
said, ‘Since then I have been practicing …. a lot!’
I left
Toner in his WC Fields moment. He was getting his one smile of the day out of
the way.
(This 400 word piece was entered for the recent Myles na Gopaleen contest in the Irish Times. Needless to say it did not feature in outcome.)
